Random Learning

Life doesn’t always go as planned. Plans don’t always go accordingly. Goals change, ideas and thoughts we once had evolve into something bigger.
As humans wr make mistakes, we have regrets, sorrows, pains and burdens. However, I’ve learned that mistakes made are valuable lessons learned if you pay attention.
We all want to be better as people. Do right by others and ourselves. We all want to be free to make our own path and mark in this extraordinary universe we call home.
We all have to be accountable and reliable to own up to our faults and our poor choices made in life, as well as suffer the consequences those choices brought us.
I have a long list of regrets, poor choices, bad moments and terrible actions made by my behalf. I only have myself to blame as they were each my own personal downfall. I was my own worst enemy, and now I’m learning to be my own best friend. I cannot express the heartache and the deep regrets of my actions that have brought me to the place I am now; however, I have learned from them. I’m now on a new journey in life. One of learning to start over. To love myself and to forgive myself  and hope to gain the trust and respect back of my family as well as those who’ve I have hurt in the process of my bad choices made.
I don’t know how the story ends nor do I want to know, but I do know that I have hope, peace, love and a new found joy in life that I haven’t had in a long time.
I hope that one day, I can help those in need like people have helped me in this process of my healing. I live for peace, joy, love and respect these days. I thank those who’ve believed in me. Those who’ve prayed for me, and those who’ve not given up on me. You are all angels.
Yours Truly

Random Positivity

Not sure if I can begin to explain or express my sincere feelings correctly that anyone would understand at this moment. However, it is vital that I make it a point to anyone who is suffering from depression, mental illness, addiction, or guilt or shame or that ugly negative cloud of blurriness… You need to know that you are special. You are deserving. You are worthy. You are unique. You have a place in this universe and its your right and your responsibility to make sure you hold tight to that and don’t give in to the darkness. There’s no way to get to the intended place you are meant to be in if you stop fighting.
It’s not supposed to be easy. It’s not meant to be painless. It’s not going to be what you want it to be right when you want it to be. It’s going to be what you need. It’s going to make you strong but it’s going to break you down and empty your pride and your stubbornness and ensure that you damn well understand and know that you have to pay attention again to the signs. Pay attention to your intuition! Your intuition is your soul speaking to you! You know what you are not doing to help yourself. Why is it that you will help others but you refuse to help yourself? You have to be able to save your own life before you can expect to save another.
It’s not over. It’s not hopeless and its far from the end!
That pain you feel, that’s life speaking to you!!  Crying out for you to listen and learn and grow. It wants you to be strong enough to endure its greatest battles and wars. It wants you to be strong and effective. It longs for you to rejoice and be happy. It knows what you need and maybe it’s not what you want at the moment but you have to believe and be grateful for it anyways. If you are blocked by negative energies and painful days and nights that never seem to give you a moment of rest…then its time to take action and pay attention. Get rid of what is making you unhappy and swallow that ego and pride and humble yourself to life and start living in a way that you can be satisfied with. Start listening. Start loving. Start forgiving and stop expecting anything. No expectations,  no favors with the intention of receiving one, no acts of kindness that are displayed loudly. Just live right, love because love is kind and pure. Be the best example of what life is made of. Be you.


Random enough for ya? Oohh, this is going to be a good one!

I’m an ADD, Bipolar, super sensitive high anxiety weekly panic attack PTSD woman. Diagnosed with a mental illness that I hid from friends, loved ones and even my employer for many years. I refused to talk about my own minds chaos and madness that constantly plays over and over every negative thing and thought and hurtful word ever said or done to me.
Years of trying out new identity’s and aimlessly wandering around trying to fit in and not “be found out” I just finally blew the covers and said This is just who I am! Admitting it to myself I thought would make it easier. Oh boy was I wrong?!
I turned instead to that disgusting deceitful chemical we all look down on and are indeed irritated and repulsed by the abusers themselves who do it.
This is just for the moment I thought. HA!! Just for the moment you’re stuck in and don’t even realize just how much time has passed that you are baffled by your own stupidity!  Now stigmatized as a mentally ill drug abuser in my own eyes I could imagine what the world thought of me.
Now I’m not just battling my mind that never stops trying to torture me, I’m battling the worst depression I’ve ever faced along with an addiction that I’m doing damn good at recovering from… But if I could just get the chance to shake my self from this terrible nightmare and wake up I would slap me in the face and make damn sure I knew just how much hurt and pain was caused all around me while I was to damn blind being trapped in my PTSD mind there probably wasn’t any way for me to avoid any of the depression but I wouldn’t now be facing being plagued a monster and danger. My children who I have singly handed raised with the support of “adoptive family” are now being kept out of my own reach and I’m forced to abide by supervised visitations. Wtf!? I’m angry as hell!! But not with the people who have my girls. Im angry at me! What the hell happened and what the hell have I done!?!
This confession will probably provoke some negative remarks and hateful thoughts but trust me, I’m beating myself up enough for all of us.
If one really knew me they would see I’m as sweet as they come and have a heart ten times to much bigger that I actually feel the hurt and sadness of those around me. I’m naturally a comforter a motivator and a helper and I am a good mother and person. I say that out loud not for any of you but for my own personal journey through my recovery.
Reprogramming your naturally negative brain to send out positive affirmations that you have a hard time believing yourself is not the easiest of tasks. I’m doing it though… And for now this is the place I’ve got myself into I have to fight and climb and battle my way out of it. But something good will come of this surely right? That has yet to be discovered. I’m not giving up. I’m not proud or happy of any of my discussed choices made, but I am thankful for the opportunity to have the chance to make sure I get better. I am fighting for me now. Not anyone else… I have to learn to love me. If I had to be the mommy I once was but even better then I have to find myself worth it and believe in me as a deserving member of society who just needs that second chance to make it better.
I’m sorry for the pain and the crazy torture I not only put myself in but all those around me who love me. I am facing hard times and my shame is the ugly consequence I must burden. I would rather be punched a thousand times then to step into This shameful mess of mine

Her Battle

Shamed and confused, she dared to refuse. A decision that now haunts her.Running away seemed like the only way, to her she had nothing left to stand for.

Inside her own self she played out the worse case scenario. Creating the waves that swept through her own life she never saw the others trying to rescue her.

Disrepair that clings to her existence she holds it with persistence. How does she not see the ruins?

Shaking their heads, they throw down their hands and pray someday she will find herself in the wreckage she created from her own fears and thoughts.

When she finally screams out for help, will there be anyone who can save her?

Her strength has decayed and her noble old soul fades further away from her.

Allowing the pain, the suffer and blame she hasn’t been able to grab any reaching hands.

Her weakness baffles her to the point where she doesn’t know how to do this anymore.

she shuts down in silence and anger. Why not give in and let her mind win. She doesn’t know what’s become of her. Given the chance to make amends she would trade it all to be better. secretly lost in a world of her own minds torture.

She tries to defeat the enemy on her own but it’s strength just over powers her.

Down to her knees she sees only one way to stop the craziness from taking completely over.

Little she knows of the hope that surrounds her. blinded by guilt and ridiculed dispute she lays down the rest of her armour.

Darkness is welcomed she quits and cowards to her own deception.

No one else is there to see the tears, to them she’s wasted her gifted spirit.

Hmm.. Who knew?! You’re allowed to have your own opinion!

It’s okay to question everything you’ve ever  been taught.  If living life conformed to the views and skepticisms of the world around us and never once daring to ask questions, learn and grow in our own unique ways…then what is the point. The most amazing discoveries, influences and inventions came from the very same kind of people the world makes fun of and judges. While I agree that we must own and correct our own selves, we shouldn’t hold the universe or its surroundings liable for the paths and decisions we chose to we embark  on. The only sure way to obtain peace and happiness is through practice. practice patience more often. Practice kindness everyday practice love efficiently practice gratitude and nobleness creatively and then look with in our own issues and select goals and plans that are directly in your path for a purpose. Don’t be fooled by the fear of turning a few heads and being laughed at. Noah was mocked and ridiculed but he carried on with building the ark that would be needed. Suddenly that Noah guy seemed to be cried out to…but it was to late to open the ark back up inside and let it our without fearful drowning hands trying to get in the very ark they cursed and laughed at. I have written way to much for now but certainly do want to add in that with true genuine love and compassion there are no questions or worries about what has and/or could go wrong. There’s only this moment to live, learn, and girls that we have to be able to explore our own ways and ideas and the world Around us only puts  out as much effort into being better and doing good as we ask it to and do our selves. Follow your own destiny and choose to do good work even for those who do not deserve it. All the rest will fall in place as it should. You only need to forgive yourself, let go of the past and move forward with positive affirmations that you are allowed to believe in that which serves as a good thing and enjoyable to your unique and individual benefit. You should not feel ashamed for believing or living or being different than what was originally taught to you. We are meant to strive and grow… Why set limitations on increasing our knowledge and experiences in life. I am not sure if I will ever be able to explain entirely what my message to others should convey so I will hold instead that to whom ever reads it will interpret it and utilize it for the goodness of their own unique soul.


Have to, Need to, Want to…Oh My!

I have to do this so that I can do that… Yada yada yada…

I want to do this, I need to do that… I wish I could, I hope I can, I want… I want… I want…

Okay, there’s a conflict with the words “I want” as some will agree and others disagree; whichever side of the fence you’re on is quite fine by me in all honestly but the bottom line is our wants are actually important and should be heard.

I’m talking about our desires, goals, ambitions, hopes, longings, the things that have been pressed on our hearts and casted into our dreams. The wanting of a better life for your children, the wanting of a better career that means something to you, the wanting of promoting a message that is instilled into your heart. Wants are good. Wants should be pursued and not laid to rest or put aside with our long endless lists of “Life’s Priorities” of course those lists are important and shouldn’t be neglected; but make room for your desires and make room for your goals to become a reality.

I’ve longed for a change in my life for years now. To go to school, to donate to a charity that means something to me, to write a book, to quit smoking, to eat healthier, work out, make my children’s memories happy and filled with laughter, to find love, to love myself more.

I’ve always had wants, and those are just a few of them…and some of them I do my very best to ensure happens no matter how hard or how trivial they may seem to someone else. My own personal wants are my own personal desires and they are what helps create who I am. My wants were placed on my own heart for a purpose and a reason. To choose to turn my back on my wants is to take away from who I am as an individual.

Take away the titles of Mom, wife/girlfriend, f friend, colleague, daughter, sister, granddaughter… Those are titles important as they are and as fulfilling as they can be and as happy joyous fun everlasting love that you can feel with having such a title “if earned” or “granted” or “blessed with” they do not make up who you are as an individual.

I was created for a purpose. I was given strengths, talents, weaknesses, challenges, experiences, life lessons, choices, opportunities and people placed in my life specifically who could endure my many trials and tribulations and keep up with my constant ups and downs as many as they are for a purpose. Me as an individual is not defined by which title I wear or which want I choose to pursue or what list of responsibilities I have to perform. ME as an individual is defined by myself and myself alone. No one can define who I am, no one can tell me which direction to take in life, no one can make me feel any less confident or sad unless I grant them that power to do so.  When did I realize this? I’ve always known it, but have never had the capability to zone in on it. Until now..

I have specific wants and desires that cling to my very soul since I was a child. How could I refuse those now knowing what I know? I have the power to make my wants a reality. How? I downsize my lists of have to(s), can do(s)need to do(s), and I make time for my own want to(s). In doing so I have to tread carefully though. I want to ensure I’m successful in pursuing my desires and getting those I love on board with supporting me as I go along. That means compromise. I won’t neglect my daily responsibilities or make anyone feel taken advantage of or force my ideas on anyone whose not willing to hear them or care about them at all. I simply make the time for me and make the effort to showcase and promote myself individually in positive decisive moves that leaves everyone including myself feeling good about it. After all, my wants and desires simply stated, are to create a peaceful and harmonious place for those who struggle to find comfort in ordinary things and those who seek answers that just aren’t to be found a place to gather and be heard without judgment.

I’m weird, I’m different and I have many shades of me who come out at different intervals and periods in life. This doesn’t mean I don’t know who I am; it means I accept who I am and I will continue to find balance within myself and finally pursue those wants that I hold dear to my heart. If I don’t go after them, someone else just might.image

I’ve decided…

It’s an action! We come up with ideas, plans, goals and even dreams all the time, but how often do we ACT on them or take the steps to MAKE IT HAPPEN!!??!! I know I’ve had lots of dreams, goals, ambitions… BIG PLANS FOR MY FUTURE…but rarely have I acted on them. Until now, I’ve put my FEAR to the side, swallowed my pride, pulled my hair back in a ponytail and have decided to just let my true colors come out. I have a purpose in this life. I have a calling, a destiny, a life to be proud of! I have goals, but those goals don’t achieve themselves now do they?!! It’s time that I decide to stop being lazy and make these PLANS I have for myself a reality!
HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO DO THAT??? Simple, by taking the first step. Making a list of things I know I HAVE to do, things I know I CAN do, and things I know I want to do. Cross out the list of the things I have to do, because those are the no brainers like taking a shower and brushing my teeth. Then I cross out the list of the things I CAN do, because that list distracts me from the list that really matters. The things I WANT to do in this life. What I want to be, What I want to feel, Where I want to go, Who I want to see, Who I want to touch, What I want to convey to this world, What message I want to bring, What hopes I want to empower, What purpose I have for this life. This is the list I will concentrate on. This is the list I will broadcast and show you all soon.