Random enough for ya? Oohh, this is going to be a good one!

I’m an ADD, Bipolar, super sensitive high anxiety weekly panic attack PTSD woman. Diagnosed with a mental illness that I hid from friends, loved ones and even my employer for many years. I refused to talk about my own minds chaos and madness that constantly plays over and over every negative thing and thought and hurtful word ever said or done to me.
Years of trying out new identity’s and aimlessly wandering around trying to fit in and not “be found out” I just finally blew the covers and said This is just who I am! Admitting it to myself I thought would make it easier. Oh boy was I wrong?!
I turned instead to that disgusting deceitful chemical we all look down on and are indeed irritated and repulsed by the abusers themselves who do it.
This is just for the moment I thought. HA!! Just for the moment you’re stuck in and don’t even realize just how much time has passed that you are baffled by your own stupidity!  Now stigmatized as a mentally ill drug abuser in my own eyes I could imagine what the world thought of me.
Now I’m not just battling my mind that never stops trying to torture me, I’m battling the worst depression I’ve ever faced along with an addiction that I’m doing damn good at recovering from… But if I could just get the chance to shake my self from this terrible nightmare and wake up I would slap me in the face and make damn sure I knew just how much hurt and pain was caused all around me while I was to damn blind being trapped in my PTSD mind there probably wasn’t any way for me to avoid any of the depression but I wouldn’t now be facing being plagued a monster and danger. My children who I have singly handed raised with the support of “adoptive family” are now being kept out of my own reach and I’m forced to abide by supervised visitations. Wtf!? I’m angry as hell!! But not with the people who have my girls. Im angry at me! What the hell happened and what the hell have I done!?!
This confession will probably provoke some negative remarks and hateful thoughts but trust me, I’m beating myself up enough for all of us.
If one really knew me they would see I’m as sweet as they come and have a heart ten times to much bigger that I actually feel the hurt and sadness of those around me. I’m naturally a comforter a motivator and a helper and I am a good mother and person. I say that out loud not for any of you but for my own personal journey through my recovery.
Reprogramming your naturally negative brain to send out positive affirmations that you have a hard time believing yourself is not the easiest of tasks. I’m doing it though… And for now this is the place I’ve got myself into I have to fight and climb and battle my way out of it. But something good will come of this surely right? That has yet to be discovered. I’m not giving up. I’m not proud or happy of any of my discussed choices made, but I am thankful for the opportunity to have the chance to make sure I get better. I am fighting for me now. Not anyone else… I have to learn to love me. If I had to be the mommy I once was but even better then I have to find myself worth it and believe in me as a deserving member of society who just needs that second chance to make it better.
I’m sorry for the pain and the crazy torture I not only put myself in but all those around me who love me. I am facing hard times and my shame is the ugly consequence I must burden. I would rather be punched a thousand times then to step into This shameful mess of mine

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4 thoughts on “Random enough for ya? Oohh, this is going to be a good one!

  1. Christina, in life things befall us that we never expect. I do not for one minute judge you and would be irritated by anyone who does! I know that Bipolar is very difficult to deal with because of the many emotional feelings linked to this. I have two associates I met by chance who are fighting it. I applaud your courage in speaking out and hope that others will encourage you and show some understanding. People are always willing to judge, but never consider it could be them, their child, or relatives in your predicament.
    We all cross a path in life which we worry about but I am now saying to you, forget about shame and look at improving what talents you have!
    If you think of shame it’s not the answer as you write well and should continue to clear your mind right here. I support your efforts and urge you to continue looking up, and forward!
    Best wishes.
    Thanks for liking my poem and comments!

    Liked by 1 person

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